This story couldn’t have run at a better time. I had been telling myself that I’d get back to writing the blog as soon as school got out and I was thinking about what my first topic would be…politics? Religion? DC Tourists? A rant about my immune system and how it fails to appropriately deal with common environmental irritants? All reasonable topics. Instead I happen across the Huffington Posts who picked up a story from complex.com that lists Lawrence’s own Bourgeois Pig as the #5 best college coffee shop in America. And that sealed it.
Now, I love my hometown. I love the old time charm of Mass Street. I love the fanaticism for KU. I like the diversity in Lawrence. I like the general acceptance of all people, regardless of race, gender, orientation and the like. I like that it is an island of blue in a sea of red.
When I read that the Pig was recognized as one of the best college coffee shops in America, I had a visceral reaction. I was astounded that the place that I’ve always avoided would have been recognized in such a way. I always felt like an outsider there – it was the artsy folks who didn’t take kindly to outsiders ruining their little haunt. I always felt a bit of contempt from the people there that I would dare set foot in their eclectic little haven. Fine, I get it. You want to keep your place as it is and you don’t need anybody upsetting the balance. So, I developed a general dislike for that place. Then it got rated. And it got me to thinking. I don’t hate the Bourgeois Pig, I hate all coffee shops. I mean, I fucking hate coffee shops.
Not to be cliché or to cover my caffeinist ways, but some of my closest friends go to coffee shops. I don’t know what they do there, but I know they go. As a rule, I generally enjoy coffee. And I like free wi-fi when I need it. But I fucking hate coffee shops.
Maybe the people who sit in coffee shops all day really are smarter than the rest of us, but I don’t think so. Maybe the hipsters sitting in the corner reading the latest independent newspaper really is cooler than everyone else, but I doubt it. I don’t understand how you can be that cool and that smart and not have anywhere better to be for hours during the day.
I understand using the coffee shop to do homework. Caffeine is a great fuel for procrastinating by surfing the web on your laptop. I get that business meetings can happen over coffee because their ubiquitous and since the beverage you just purchased can give you third degree burns you have to wait a while to enjoy which forces you to talk. Same goes for first or blind dates. So, the coffee shop is not without merit but do they all have to seem so pretentious?
Part of my confusion stems from the pride people take in their local coffee shop. They are devoted patrons who will defend the merits of their barista (whatever the fuck that means) and the quality of their beans. It’s coffee. Yes, shitty coffee tastes shitty and quality coffee tastes pretty good but just about every coffee shop has “quality” coffee so what’s the draw? The vibe? A bunch of introverts working on their screenplay or filling out their match.com profile? That’s not a vibe, that’s depressing.
I’ll grant you, a coffee shop in the winter time is a double bonus – you get in out of the cold to a warm space and they give you piping hot fluids. If you want to hang out inside a coffee shop to warm your bones in the winter – by all means. But outside of that, why would you stay inside a coffee shop to sip your coffee and judge the other customers? It’s not like you’re getting a meal. And a scone does not count as a meal. It’s a fucking snack. Where else do you walk in order a drink, no food, and sit down and it’s normal? A real bar.
People can’t walk into a bar and get a cocktail and leave so they are forced to sit down. Also, most people like to have more than one so unless you’re walking from bar to bar it’s more convenient to sit in one place and keep ordering. Plus, real bars have TVs. And most will serve you real food. I like real bars. I fucking hate coffee shops.
The Pig, the catalyst for my self-realization that I’m a coffee shop hater, serves both booze and coffee so you have an interesting mix of too cool for school coffee drinkers and their alcoholic friends. Admittedly, I don’t remember if I ever went there for booze, but I do remember walking by the back deck when all the hipsters were outside smoking and they were the same jackasses who saw swingers too many times and thought they personally could bring back the 50s. So I’m pretty sure I would not have enjoyed my Jack Daniels in their company.
I understand the need for coffee shops. You have to have someplace to complete the transaction between caffeine fiend and their supplier. I also understand the need to have some tables and chairs to allow people to rest briefly and nibble on their scone or aptly named coffee cake. But the sub-culture of coffee shops is what I don’t understand. Maybe it’s because I was never introduced to the world of hipster coffee drinkers who are bound and determined to change the world one cappuccino at a time. Maybe I just generally dislike hipsters and always have. Whatever the reason, I fucking hate coffee shops.
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